Family Guy (1999) - 38 quotes

Peter Griffin: Your Honor, I call to the stand my surprise witness: The Ghost That Never Lies.

Everyone: OOOOOOOOOOH!

Peter Griffin: But only I can see him and hear him, so I'll tell you what he's doing and saying.

Child Welfare Agent: Objection, Your Honor! This is ridiculous!

Judge: Objection overruled. I'll allow it. You had better be going somewhere with this, Mr. Griffin.

Peter Griffin: Thank you, Your Honor. Ghost That Never Lies, did you witness the events that took place on that fateful day? You did. Well, how interesting. And do you see the culprit or culprits in this courtroom today? You do. Well, would you kindly point him or them out for this court? Don't point at me, you jackass!

Waiter: Your coffee, madam.

Lois: I'll pour it. You know, my family really isn't comfortable with being waited on like this.

Stewie: Cut my eggs!

Waiter: Your eggs are now cut, sir.

Stewie: Cut my milk!

Waiter: I can't cut your milk, sir.

Stewie: You will cut my milk! If my milk is still in one piece I shall kill you!

Death Has a Shadow (series 1)

Brian: Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

Chitty Chitty Death Bang (series 1)

Peter: Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant, and a big, fat white guy who's threatened by change.

Lois: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.

Peter: Uh, what could me and you do together?

[Lois giggles.]

Peter: Lois! You've got a sick mind.

Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.

Peter: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Lethal Weapons (series 3)

Tom Tucker: I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

[Joe Swanson is hanging on the edge of a waterfall in a sewer and Lois is trying to pull him up.]

Lois Griffin: Joe, I can't hold you! You're too heavy!

Joe Swanson: Lois! Pretend I'm one of your children!

[Lois begins to let go of his hand.]

Joe Swanson: Not Meg! Not Meg!

If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin' (series 2)

Peter: Don't worry. I read a book about this sort of thing.

Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't NOTHING?

Peter: Oh yeah.

Peter: [to Lois] Yeah, you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time, and I'M the man.

Chris Griffin: Stewie, do you want a sundae?

Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find...I shall kill you!

A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas (series 3)

Peter: Lois, can't we just tell them your mother died?

Lois: Peter, I would never lie about something like that.

Peter: All right, I'll kill your mother.

The Story on Page 1 (series 2)

Peter Griffin: Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they have been ever since they came to this country from France.

Brian Griffin: If I remember correctly, this is the Physics department.

Chris Griffin: That explains all the gravity.

Holy Crap (series 2)

Peter: My father's been working at the plant for 60 years. That's nearly 80 years.

Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother? (series 3)

Officer: Hey, I recognize you. You're that black guy I saw on TV.

Peter Griffin: Yeah, that's me.

Officer: [Into radio] We have a stolen vehicle.

Peter Griffin: This is my...

Officer: [Into radio] Subject getting beligerant.

Peter Griffin: I'm not...

Officer: [Into radio] Officer down.

Diane Simmons: Quite a situation we've got here Tom.

Tom Tucker: Quite a situation we've got here Tom indeed, Diane.

Tom Tucker: Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?

Diane Simmons: Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people.

[Both laugh.]

Cameraman: You guys, we're still on in Boston.

[Both stare in horror at the camera.]

Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says 'OOOOOOOO'.

Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.