Across whole show

Stewie: Lois! I've got a gift for you. I'll give you a hint - it's in my pants and it's not a toaster.

When You Wish Upon a Weinstein (series 3)

Peter Griffin: You better watch who you're calling a child Lois. Because if I'm a child then you know what that makes you? A paedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

Running Mates (series 2)

Peter: Brian, I am just as non-competitive as anyone else. As a matter of fact I'm the most non-competitive, so I win.

Death Has a Shadow (series 1)

Peter: Y'know I feel kinda bad you guys, I promised my wife I wouldn't drink tonight.

Quagmire: Aw, Don't feel bad, Peter.

Peter: Huh. Gee, I never thought of it like that.

I Never Met the Dead Man (series 1)

[Stewie plays with his Sesame Street phone.]

Ernie's voice: Do you know what sound a cow makes?

Stewie: Don't toy with me Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr.Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest and as for Linda, well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin aproach, now isn't it?

Brian: Portrait of a Dog (series 1)

Lois: I'm a little worried about Stewie.

Peter: Lois, can we stop talking about curtains for just a second?

Across whole show

Lois: Peter, you're acting like a child!

Peter: Lois, if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? - a paedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert!

Wasted Talent (series 2)

Lois: Peter, you're drunk again!

Peter: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.

Across whole show

Meg: Mom, Dad, am I ugly?

Lois: Of course not, sweetie.

Peter: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?

Meg: Craig Hoffman.

Peter: Craig...Craig Hoffman? Hmmm, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly.

The Kiss Seen Around the World (series 3)

Tom Tucker: Children washing cars, is there anything more arousing?

Across whole show

Peter Griffin: Your Honor, I call to the stand my surprise witness: The Ghost That Never Lies.

Everyone: OOOOOOOOOOH!

Peter Griffin: But only I can see him and hear him, so I'll tell you what he's doing and saying.

Child Welfare Agent: Objection, Your Honor! This is ridiculous!

Judge: Objection overruled. I'll allow it. You had better be going somewhere with this, Mr. Griffin.

Peter Griffin: Thank you, Your Honor. Ghost That Never Lies, did you witness the events that took place on that fateful day? You did. Well, how interesting. And do you see the culprit or culprits in this courtroom today? You do. Well, would you kindly point him or them out for this court? Don't point at me, you jackass!

Waiter: Your coffee, madam.

Lois: I'll pour it. You know, my family really isn't comfortable with being waited on like this.

Stewie: Cut my eggs!

Waiter: Your eggs are now cut, sir.

Stewie: Cut my milk!

Waiter: I can't cut your milk, sir.

Stewie: You will cut my milk! If my milk is still in one piece I shall kill you!

Death Has a Shadow (series 1)

Brian: Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

Chitty Chitty Death Bang (series 1)

Peter: Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant, and a big, fat white guy who's threatened by change.

Across whole show

Lois: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.

Peter: Uh, what could me and you do together?

[Lois giggles.]

Peter: Lois! You've got a sick mind.

Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.

Peter: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Lethal Weapons (series 3)

Tom Tucker: I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

Across whole show

[Joe Swanson is hanging on the edge of a waterfall in a sewer and Lois is trying to pull him up.]

Lois Griffin: Joe, I can't hold you! You're too heavy!

Joe Swanson: Lois! Pretend I'm one of your children!

[Lois begins to let go of his hand.]

Joe Swanson: Not Meg! Not Meg!

If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin' (series 2)

Peter: Don't worry. I read a book about this sort of thing.

Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't NOTHING?

Peter: Oh yeah.

Across whole show

Peter: [to Lois] Yeah, you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time, and I'M the man.

Chris Griffin: Stewie, do you want a sundae?

Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find...I shall kill you!