Family Guy (1999) - 41 quotes

A Hero Sits Next Door (series 1)

The Grinch: You thought you have won. You thought all is well. But kiss my green ass, I shall see you in hell.

Barely Legal (series 5)

Connie: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed. So, you're going to have to leave. But Brian can stay.

Brian Griffin: You know, Connie, I think I have this theory about why you're such a bitch.

Connie: Excuse me?

Meg Griffin: Brian, let's just go.

Brian Griffin: No, no, no, no, no, no. Hang on a minute, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs when you were twelve. But now you can't stand to look in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age nineteen, you're gonna be a worn out chalky skinned burlap sack that even your own stepdad won't want. How is that? Am I in the ballpark?

[Connie runs off crying.]

Stewie Kills Lois (1) (series 6)

Ship captain: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.

Lois Griffin: Oh, we are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing?

Peter Griffin: Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there.

Ship captain: You're disgusting!

Peter Griffin: And you're misleading.

[Lois is washing Stewie in the sink]

Stewie: Not so hard, woman! You're washing a baby's hair, not cleaning the vomit off your party dress, you holiday drunk!

North by North Quahog (series 4)

Peter: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.

Lois: Oh no Peter! How could they do that?

Peter: Well unfortuantely Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, And Greg The Bunny....

Lois: Is there no hope?

Peter: Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.

Lois: Hello?

Peter: I can't take the trash out today, I'm working late at the office.

Peter: The caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact I can see you.

Peter: [Edging sideways] OK, can you see me now?

Lois: No.

Peter: Now I am at the office.

Petarded (series 4)

Chris Griffin: My dad's smarter than your dad!

Meg Griffin: We have the same dad, you idiot.

Chris Griffin: Yeah, but mine's smarter!

[Peter learns Joe is in a wheelchair.]

Peter: Holy crip, he's a crapple.

Lois: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...

Peter: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...

Brian: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup.

Peter: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...

Brian: That's Street Fighter.

Peter: Red, blue, green...

Brian: Those are colors.

Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.

Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?

Peter: I drift in and out.

Fat Guy Strangler (series 4)

Lois: So doctor, is Peter healthy?

Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month.

Peter: What?

Doctor: [revealing comic he was reading] Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.

Peter: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?

Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.

Peter/Lois: Argh!

Doctor: This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...

Peter: Argh!

Doctor: ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.

Lois: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!

Doctor: Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer.

Lois: Oh my goodness!

Doctor: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.

Peter/Lois: Oh!

Doctor: My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out.

Lois: What?!

Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now...

Lois: Please, please, we can't take any more schtick.. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?

Doctor: Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.

Meg Griffin: I just want to kill myself. I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.

[Lois and Peter stare in silence.]

Meg Griffin: I'm allergic to peanuts.

[Peter and Lois keep staring.]

Meg Griffin: You don't know anything about me! [Runs upstairs]

Peter Griffin: Who was that guy?

The Story on Page 1 (series 2)

Peter Griffin: You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened.

Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, but don't mention it around the Veterans Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.

Stewie: Lois! I've got a gift for you. I'll give you a hint - it's in my pants and it's not a toaster.

When You Wish Upon a Weinstein (series 3)

Peter Griffin: You better watch who you're calling a child Lois. Because if I'm a child then you know what that makes you? A paedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

Running Mates (series 2)

Peter: Brian, I am just as non-competitive as anyone else. As a matter of fact I'm the most non-competitive, so I win.

Death Has a Shadow (series 1)

Peter: Y'know I feel kinda bad you guys, I promised my wife I wouldn't drink tonight.

Quagmire: Aw, Don't feel bad, Peter.

Peter: Huh. Gee, I never thought of it like that.

I Never Met the Dead Man (series 1)

[Stewie plays with his Sesame Street phone.]

Ernie's voice: Do you know what sound a cow makes?

Stewie: Don't toy with me Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr.Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest and as for Linda, well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin aproach, now isn't it?

Brian: Portrait of a Dog (series 1)

Lois: I'm a little worried about Stewie.

Peter: Lois, can we stop talking about curtains for just a second?

Lois: Peter, you're acting like a child!

Peter: Lois, if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? - a paedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert!