Scrubs (2001) - 18 quotes

Across whole show

Janitor: You seem unhappy. I like that.

Dr. Kelso: What's got two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? [points to himself with his thumbs] Bob Kelso!

Turk: Say it!

JD: I'm your biatch.

Dr. Cox: People are just bastard covered bastards with bastard filling.

Elliot: Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?

Dr. Cox: No, Barbie... It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively TO clowns.

Turk: This guy needs brain work, this guy needs a heart...

JD: This one needs courage.

Turk: Helping or hurting, JD? Helping or hurting?

Dr. Cox: You want some advice? No matter where you go in life, always keep an eye out for Johnny the tackling Alzheimer's patient.

JD: Now what's that supposed to mean?

[A patient flies in from offscreen, dragging JD through a door.]

Johnny: Who am I!?

Dr. Cox: Hey, Betty. Hey, Wilma. Oh, what the hell, you're only forty minutes late. Do I... do I smell beer?

JD: Uh, we... uh, we had a few.

Dr. Cox: Newsflash, you can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots.

Dr. Cox: Let me ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside somebody's clogged artery when all that person has to do, really is - oh, I don't know - go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that? And, I know here, I know I'm supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap, but you wanna hear the God's honest truth? And this is a fact: you are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?

Carla: You can deny you like her all you want. But, I know for a fact, that every time you guys are done "playing racquetball" or "having a conversation" or whatever it is you crazy kids are calling it, you like nothing more than to just lie next to Jordan and watch her sleep.

Dr. Cox: It would be impossible for me to lie next to Jordan, she sleeps hanging from a ramp in the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings.

JD: Who put this mistletoe up?

The Janitor: I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 AM shift, just looking for that. Trying to add a little cheer. You will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year.

JD: But I've only worked here three months.

My Interpretation (series 2)

JD: Look, uh... Janitor...I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis, and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.

Janitor: When did you see my penis?

JD: Last night, when you were showering.

Janitor: Where were you?

JD: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes.

Janitor: Uhhh...

JD: Look, it was just a coincidence, man - I mean, i-i-if you had looked out the window, you'd have seen my penis, you know!

Janitor: What?! Why?!

JD: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!

My Advice to You (series 3)

Dr. Kelso: If your grandmother were here, wouldn't you want her doctor to spend as much time with her as he does with anyone else?

JD: Grandma Dorian or Nana Hobbs? Because Nana Hobbs can be an eensy bit racist.

Dr. Kelso: Grandma Dorian.

JD: She's dead.

My Office (series 4)

[Looking at X-ray revealing a lightbulb in the patient.]

Dr. Cox: Well, I'll tell you there Bobbo, either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.

My Common Enemy (series 4)

Dr. Kelso: I brought you a gift for your trip to Mexico. My old Spanish to English dictionary. I don't need it anymore because I've already mastered the language.

Dr. Molly: Oh, gracias, senor.

Dr. Kelso: You're welcome-o.

My Unicorn (series 4)

Dr. Cox: This moment is so great I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of little moments!

Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it.

Turk: You know, I never get chocolate cake.

Elliot: Oh, right, cause you're diabetic. Boo hoo. You know Turk, if you want sympathy, get a disease people can see!