Blackadder (1986) - 59 quotes

The Black Seal (series 1)

Blackadder: Percy, you are dismissed from my services.

Percy: Me? Why?

Blackadder: Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. THAT is why you are dismissed.

The Hawk: I return at last, after fifteen years.

Edmund: And what have you been up to?

The Hawk: Waiting, plotting, nurturing my hatred and planning my revenge.

Edmund: So, you've kept yourself busy?

Bells (series 2)

Young Crone: Do have an appointment?

Blackadder: No.

Young Crone: Well, you can go in anyway.

Blackadder: Thank you, young crone. Here is a purse full of moneys...which I'm not going to give to you.

Hag: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wise Woman. First, she is...a woman, and second, she is...

Edmund: Wise?

Hag: Oh! You know her then?

Edmund: No, just a wild stab in the dark, which, is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know where she lives?

Blackadder: It is strangely keeping in the manner of our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man.

Baldrick: Thank you very much, my lord.

Blackadder: I use the word 'man' in the broadest possible sense. For as we all know, God created man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick.

Head (series 2)

Melchett: Grey, I suspect, your Majesty.

Queen Elizabeth: I think you'll find they were orange, Lord Melchett.

Melchett: Grey is more usual, Ma'am.

Queen Elizabeth: Who's Queen?

Melchett: As you say, Majesty. There were these magnificent orange elephants...

Percy: Fashion today is towards the tiny.

Edmund: Well in that case Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in London.

Blackadder: Right Baldrick, let's try again. This is called adding. If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what do I have?

Baldrick: Some beans.

Blackadder: Yes...and no. Let's try again, shall we? I have two beans, then I add to more beans what does that make?

Baldrick: A very small casserole.

Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape creature of the Indus have mastered this. Now, try again. One, two, three, four! So how many are there?

Baldrick: Three

Blackadder: What.

Baldrick: (Pointing to one) And that one.

Blackadder: (Picking it up) Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?

Baldrick: Ah! Some beans.

Blackadder: Yes. To you Baldrick, the rennaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?

Potato (series 2)

[Not having a present for Melchett, Blackadder offers a bottle of Baldrick's urine.]

Blackadder: There was one thing ma'am, a fine wine from the far east. A most delicious beverage.

Queenie: Have a taste boys; tell us what you think.

Sir Walter: It certainly has plenty of nose.

Melchett: Oh yes, this is very familiar.

Blackadder: You'll be delighted to hear there's an inexhaustable supply of the stuff.

Percy: Oh, come on Edmund. The greatest explorer of our age is coming home. The streets have never been so gay. Women are laughing, children are singing. Oh look, look, there's a man being indecently assaulted by nine foreign sailors and he's still got a smile on his face.

Money (series 2)

Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd!

[Blackadder is selling his house. Mr. and Mrs. Pants are looking around.]

Mrs. Pants: Strange smell.

Blackadder: Yes, that's the servant - he'll be gone.

Mr. Pants: You're really worked out your banter, haven't you?

Blackadder: No, not really. This is a different thing, it's spontaneous and it's called wit.

Blackadder: This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War. Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?

Beer (series 2)

Blackadder: You're fired.

Baldrick: But I've been in your family since 1532!

Blackadder: So has syphilis, now get out.

Percy: I must say Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your breakfast before the rigours of the day begin.

Blackadder: It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.

Percy: [Delighted] Yes, I'd heard that.

Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.

Chains (series 2)

Queen Elizabeth: And me, did you miss me, Edmund?

Blackadder: Madam, life without you was like a broken pencil.

Queen Elizabeth: Explain?

Blackadder: Pointless.

[Melchett offers an idea to relieve his and Blackadder's boredom.]

Lord Melchett: Well, perhaps some pleasant word game?

Blackadder: Yes, alright. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding, your, shut.

Dish and Dishonesty (series 3)

[Baldrick has just been made a lord, much to Blackadder's annoyance, and been given £400,000.]

Blackadder: Give me the bloody money, Baldrick or you're dead.

Baldrick: Give me the bloody money Baldrick or you're dead, MY LORD.

Blackadder: Just do it Baldrick, or I shall further enoble you by knighting you very clumsily with this meat cleaver.

Blackadder: We are reprieved. It is a triumph for stupidity over common sense.

Baldrick: Thank you very much.

Blackadder: As a special reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday. [Pauses for a second.] Did you enjoy it?

Blackadder: He's about as effective as a cat flap in an elephant house.