Quarantine - S5-E4
Kryten: What a smee... What a smee... What a smee - hee.
Terrorform - S5-E3
[The Unspeakable One rises in front of Rimmer]
Rimmer: Boy, am I glad to see you. You must be the Unspeakable One. Just to fill you in, there's been a gigantic administrative cock-up. Some of your staff have somehow mistaken me for a virgin.
Unspeakable One: Stop your putrid whining, you dank gift of rectal public hair.
Rimmer: Sorry. Yes, I do tend to jabber on when I'm a bit nervous.
Terrorform - S5-E3
[Rimmer has been chained up]
Rimmer: Is this the British Embassy? Does it even look the remotest bit like the British Embassy? I want to know who you are, what I'm doing here, and I want to know now.
Hooded Guard: In accordance with the appetites of the Dark One, the vicious ruler of this domain, we, the holy legions, proffer up this sacrifice to slake the vile depraved thirsting of the Unspeakable One.
Rimmer: Well, that's cleared that up.
Terrorform - S5-E3
[Rimmer is being taken by a group of hooded guards on a cross]
Rimmer: Look, I don't know who you are, or what you think you're doing, but I demand my right to a phone call.
[The guards stop]
Rimmer: Yes, I thought that'd stop you. I thought the threat of legal action would have you running for cover.
[Rimmer is now being dragged by the guards]
Rimmer: Look, I'm trying to keep my temper, but you really are pushing your luck now miladdikins.
[Rimmer has become the new "Ace" Rimmer.]
Rimmer: Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas.
White Hole - S4-E4
The Talking Toaster: Given that God is infinite, and given that the Universe is infinite... Would you like a toasted tea cake?
Ace Rimmer: Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!
[Rimmer convinces Holly to show him the captains files on the crew.]
Rimmer: Give me...give me Lister's. Just the remarks.
Holly: David Lister, Technician,3rd class. Captain's remarks: "Has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero."
Rimmer: I always liked Captain Hollister. Such a great reader of men, was Captain Hollister. A marvellous, marvellous man and a tragic loss to us all. All right, Holly, give me...give me mine.
Holly: Arnold Rimmer, Technician,2nd Class. Captain's remarks: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. He aches for responsibility but constantly fails the engineering exam."
Rimmer: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Holly, Holly. I want *my* report. Rimmer. Two M's, E, R.
Holly: "Astoundingly zealous. Possibly mad. Probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical."
Rimmer: No no no no no, Holly. I want *Rimmer*. That's two R's, one at the front, one at the back.
White Hole - S4-E4
Rimmer: The thing about Captain Oates... The thing you have to remember about Captain Oates... Captain Oates... Captain Oates was a prat.
Lister: Get real, man. Most eunuchs have got more balls than you.
Answer: The cello is a large four-stringed instrument, which, when it is played, stands vertically on the floor between the player's legs (assuming they are seated). If it is to grow as large as the other instuments mentioned will, it would require a rather unseemly lack of femininity to be able to encompass it with the legs.
Rooster of Doom