Jonah Hill (back to the J list / H list)

Schmidt: When did I get stabbed? That's AWESOME!

Captain Dickson: Do you even know the Miranda rights?

Jenko: It obviously starts with... you have the right to... remain an attorney...

Captain Dickson: Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?

Schmidt: Well, you do have the right to be an attorney if you want to...

Domingo: You guys even real cops? You look like kids in Halloween

Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?

Domingo: You want to beat my dick off?

Schmidt: I think what he was trying to say was, he's gonna punch you so many times round the genital area that your dick's just gonna fall off.

Fogell: Yo guys! 'Sup?

Seth: Fogell, where have you been, man? You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out or what?

Fogell: No no, man. I got it; it is flawless. Check it!

Evan: Hawaii. All right, that's good. That's hard to trace, I guess. Wait. You changed your name to McLovin?

Fogell: Yeah.

Evan: McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?

Fogell: Naw, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.

Seth: And you landed on McLovin.

Fogell: Yeah. It was between that or Muhammed.

Seth: Why the FUCK would it be between THAT or Muhammed? Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person?

Fogell: Muhammed is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once.

Evan: Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named Muhammed?

Fogell: Have YOU actually ever met anyone named McLovin?

Seth: No, that's why you picked a dumb fucking name!

Fogell: Fuck you.

Seth: Gimme that. All right, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2, it doesn't even have a first name, it just says "McLovin"!

Evan: What? One name? ONE NAME? Who are you? Seal?

Seth: Fogell, this ID says that you're 25 years old. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?

Fogell: Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face: every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with fake IDs, and every single one says they're 21. Pssh, how many 21 year olds do you think there are in this town? It's called fucking strategy, all right?

Evan: Stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's... it's a fine ID; it'll... it's gonna work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy is either gonna think 'Here's another kid with a fake ID' or 'Here's McLovin, a 25 year-old Hawaiian organ donor'. Okay? So what's it gonna be?

Fogell: I am McLovin!

Seth: No you're not. No one's McLovin. McLovin's never existed because that's a made up dumb FUCKING FAIRY TALE NAME, YOU FUCK!

Seth: You know when you hear girls say 'Ah man, I was so shit-faced last night, I shouldn't have fucked that guy?' We could be that mistake!

Evan: I heard she got breast reduction surgery.

Seth: What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.

Evan: She had back problems, man.

Seth: I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding Vag.

Seth: Nobody has gotten a hand job in cargo shorts since 'nam!

Seth: Look at those nipples.

Evan: They're like little baby toes. It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get.

Evan: Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.

Seth: You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hinds it AND it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.

Seth: You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.

Seth: He is the sweetest guy. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.

Evan: You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean that could be anything, it could be a bowling site.

Seth: Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going in which is a huge concern.

Evan: Right, I didn't realize that.

Seth: Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?

Evan: No.

Seth: [shakes his head] Not for me.

Seth: [imitating Becca] Oh Evan, thank you for bringing that lube for my pussy. I never would've been able to handle your four inch dick inside my pussy without that gigantic bottle of lube.