Steve Carell (back to the S list / C list)

[Arguing against women in the newsroom.]

Brick Tamland: I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.

Brian Fantana: Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean that really got out of hand fast!

Brian Fantana: It jumped up a notch.

Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?

Brick Tamland: Yea, I stabbed a man in the heart.

Ron Burgundy: I saw that! Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?

Brick Tamland: Yea, there were horses and a man on fire and I killed a guy with a trident.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safe house or a relative close by because you're probably wanted for murder.

Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?

Brian Fantana: Brian Fantana.

Champ Kind: Champ Kind.

Brick Tamland: Brian Fantana.

Brian Fantana: No, you're Brick.

Brick Tamland: Brian.

Brian Fantana: I'm Brian.

Brick Tamland: Veronica.

Brick Tamland: I don't know what we're yelling about!

Brick Tamland: I love...carpet. I love...desk.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?

Brick Tamland: I love lamp.

Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?

Brick Tamland: I love lamp. I love lamp.

Champ Kind: What's it like, Ron?

Ron Burgundy: The intimate times? Outta sight, my man.

Brian Fantana: No, the other thing - love.

Brick Tamland: Yeah, what is that?

Ron Burgundy: Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?

Brick Tamland: I don't know.

Brian Fantana: That was one crazy party. I am hung over.

Champ Kind: I woke up on the floor of some Japanese family's rec room, and they would NOT stop screaming.

Brick Tamland: I ate a big, red candle.

Champ Kind: Tell me about it, this morning, I woke up and I shit a squirrel, but what I can't get is the damn thing is still alive. So now, I've got a shit covered squirrel running around my office and I don't know what to name it.

Brick Tamland: O, I'm sorry champ, I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

Brick Tamland: I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.

Cal: I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one... you never give up.

Claire Foster: Honey, If I'm gonna get whacked off, I...

[Phil laughs]

Claire Foster: What are you smiling about?

Phil Foster: No, no, we might get bumped off. We're not going to get whacked off.

Claire Foster: I think we are!

Gru: We are going to pull of the TRUE crime of the century... we are going to steal the MOON!

Gru: Do you speak Spanish?

Miss Hattie: Do I look like someone who speaks Spanish?

Gru: It's just that your face is so... Como es burro.

Miss Hattie: Oh! Why, thank you!

Maxwell Smart: If I were from CONTROL, you'd already be dead.

Siegfried: If you were from CONTROL, you'd already be dead.

Maxwell Smart: Neither of us is dead, so I'm obviously not from CONTROL.

Shtarker: That actually makes sense.

Maxwell Smart: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

The Chief: I don't know. Were you thinking "Holy shit, holy shit! A swordfish almost went through my head"? Because if you are, then we're on the same page.

Agent 99: Are you staring at my butt?

Maxwell Smart: No, no, I...I was, but I'm not...I'm staring again.

Agent 99: Max has no experience, and I don't want him as my partner.

Maxwell Smart: Well, that is a sucker punch to the gonads.

Maxwell Smart: I think it's only fair to warn you, this facility is surrounded by a highly trained team of 130 black op snipers.

Siegfried: I don't believe you.

Maxwell Smart: Would you believe 2 dozen Delta Force commandos?

Siegfried: No.

Maxwell Smart: How about Chuck Norris with a BB gun?

Agent 99: Did you see anything while I was dancing?

Maxwell Smart: Just once, but I don't think you expected him to lift you that high.

Siegfried: How do I know you're not Control?

Maxwell Smart: If I were Control, you'd already be dead.

Siegfried: If you were Control, you'd already be dead.

Maxwell Smart: Neither of us is dead, so I am obviously not from Control.

Shtarker: That actually makes sense.

Agent 99: Be careful, these lasers will cut off anything they touch.

Maxwell Smart: Which is why wearing boxers was a bad idea.

Michael Scott: It's simply beyond words. It's incalculacable.

Michael Scott: This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago.

Michael Scott: What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people. The *people*. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No, no, no, no. It was a young Guatamalan guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went "Mr. Scott, will you be the Godfather to my child?" Wow. *Wow.* Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

Michael Scott: I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.

Michael Scott: This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outta here.

Michael Scott: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot a deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?

Michael Scott: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Michael Scott: Would I rather be feared or loved? Um... Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Michael Scott: Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam. And me.

Michael Scott: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh, no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."