Matthew Perry (back to the M list / P list)

[After Joey's just drilled through a wall very close to Chandler's head, Chandler runs into the living room.]

Joey: Oh, did I get you?

Chandler: No, you didn't get me! You get me, you kill me!

Rachel: You guys, guess what guess what guess what?

Chandler: What, the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending trident?

[After Chandler's just mocked Monica for being fat in an old home movie.]

Monica: Shut up, the camera adds 10 pounds!

Chandler: So how many cameras are actually on you?

Chandler: Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Phoebe: Stick a fork what?

Chandler: You know, like when you're cooking a steak.

Phoebe: Oh, I don't eat meat.

Chandler: Well how do you tell when vegetables are done?

Phoebe: Well you just, you know, you eat them and you can tell.

Chandler: Okay, then eat me, I'm done.

Rachel: No accountants. Oh, and no one from, like, "legal." I don't like guys with boring jobs.

Chandler: Oh, and Ross was like what, a lion tamer?

Monica: What happened to your teeth?

Ross: I whitened them.

Chandler: Really?

Ross: Yeah, what... what do you think?

Monica: Well, uh, I think I shouldn't look directly at them.

Ross: Come on, seriously.

Monica: Ross, they're really, really, really white!

Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your old... human teeth?

Ross: Well, I did leave the gel on a little longer than it said to.

Monica: How much longer?

Ross: Uh, uh.... a day.

Monica: Ross, you know that tonight is your date with Hillary?

Ross: I know! That's why I did it! Come on, are they really that bad?

Chandler: No. No, no, no, you'll be fine. Hilary's blind, right?

Monica: She will be after tonight.

Chandler: Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian.

[Everyone stares at him.]

Chandler: Did I just say that out loud?

Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance!

Rachel: Hey, Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.

Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone!

Rachel: Okay, you win.

Monica: All right, I've got a leg, 3 breasts and a wing.

Chandler: How do you find clothes that fit?