Chris Rock (back to the C list / R list)

Aaron: Let me get this straight: our dad was "bromantically" involved with a guy that could fit in his pocket, and you're mad because he's white?

Bethany: Wait a minute. Christ. You know Christ?

Rufus: KNOW Him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!

Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.

Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.

Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.

Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.

Jay: Dude, not all the time.

Rufus: Are you saying you believe?

Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.

Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.

Jay: I can't wait to die.

Bethany: You were martyred?

Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by huge fucking rocks.

Rufus: Hey! What I just did gave me a fucking migraine! So if you don't pipe down, I'm going to yank your sack off like a paper towel.

Rufus: White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior.

Rufus: In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? Hell no. And I was in my prime. I could've been knee-deep in shepherd's daughters, not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene. She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me.

Bethany: You're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?

Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.

Rufus: So what do we do now?

Metatron: Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.

Deanne McKenzie: How about I take you out for a date night every Thursday?

Kurt McKenzie: Well, Thursday night is Grey's Anatomy, but any other night would be great.

Lee Butters: You have the right to remain silent. So shut the fuck up. You have the right to an attorney. If you can't afford an attorney, we will provide you with the dumbest fucking lawyer on Earth. If you hire Johnny Cochrane, I'll kill you!