Billy Crystal (back to the B list / C list)

Paul Vitti: You know me?

Ben Sobel: Yes.

Paul Vitti: No, you don't.

Ben Sobel: Okay.

Paul Vitti: You see my picture in the paper?

Ben Sobel: Yes.

Paul Vitti: No, you didn't.

Ben Sobel: I don't even get the paper.

Ben Sobel: My name is Ben Sobel...leone. Ben Sobelleone. I'm also known as Benny the Groin, Sammy the Schnauz, Elmer the Fudd, Tubby the Tuba, and once... once as Miss Phyllis Levine.

Paul Vitti: If I talk to you, and you turn me into a fag, I'm gonna kill you, you understand?

Ben Sobel: Well, let's define "fag", because sometimes, emotions can come up that...

Paul Vitti: I go fag, you die. Get it?

Inigo Montoya: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the King all those years?

Miracle Max: The king's stinking son fired me. Thank you for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?

Harry Burns: I've been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.

Sally Albright: What?

Harry Burns: I love you.

Sally Albright: How do you expect me to respond to this?

Harry Burns: How about, you love me too.

Sally Albright: How about, I'm leaving.

Harry Burns: I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Harry Burns: It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to talk.

Sally Albright: The first date back is always the toughest, Harry.

Harry Burns: You only had one date. How do you know it's not going to get worse?

Sally Albright: How much worse can it get than finishing dinner, having him reach over, pull a hair out of my head and start flossing with it at the table?

Harry Burns: We're talking dream date compared to my horror.

Harry Burns: Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.

Marie: Harry.

Harry Burns: Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. 'Cause someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale coffee table!

Jess: I thought you liked it?

Harry Burns: I was being nice!