Jason Mewes (back to the J list / M list)

[Randal reads a newspaper while a customer studies two rental choices.]

Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good.

[Randal continues reading, not even ackowledging her]

Customer: Are either of these any good?

[Randal continues to read.]

Customer: Sir!

Randal: What?

Customer: Are either of these any good?

Randal: I don't watch movies.

Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either of them?

Randal: No.

Customer: You've never heard anybody say anything about either movie?

Randal: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.

[The customer turns around, then turns back with the same two movies]

Customer: Well, how about these two movies?

[Randal still never looks up.]

Randal: They suck!

Customer: I just held up the same two movies. You're not even paying attention.

Randal: No, I wasn't.

Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate...

Randal: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.

Customer: I beg your pardon?

Randal: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.

Customer: I only pointed out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying.

Randal: I hope it feels good.

Customer: You hope what feels good?

Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There is nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

Customer: Well this is the last time I ever rent here...

Randal: You'll be missed.

Customer: Screw you!

[The customer storms out. Randal runs out into the street.]

Randal: Hey you're not allowed to rent here anymore!

Jay: Yeah!

Jay: Guys like us just don't fall out of the sky, you know.

[Rufus falls out of the sky.]

Jay: Beautiful, naked, big-titted women just don't fall out of the sky, you know!

Jay: The whole fuckin' world's against us dude, I swear to God.

Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.

Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.

Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.

Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.

Jay: Dude, not all the time.

Jay: Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time!

Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?

Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.

Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.

Jay: I can't wait to die.

Bethany: What gear are you in?

Jay: "Gear"?

Jay: She's fucking pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. Let me know how she is.

Bethany Sloane: NOBODY IS FUCKING ME! YOU GOT THAT?!

Jay: [Waking up] I didn't come in you, Pete, I swear.