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Officer on radio: Suspect is heading towards the uvula. Repeat, heading towards the uvula.
Osmosis Jones: What the heck is a u-vala?
Drix: It's that little dangly thing that hangs down in Frank's...
Osmosis Jones: Boxer shorts! OK, here we go!
Drix: Not that little dangly thing! The one in his throat!
Osmosis Jones: I knew that, I knew that.

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Mayor Phlegmming: Good evening, citizens of Frank. In the past few weeks of the campaign, my opponent has thrown around a lot of fancy words to try to confuse the issues. Words like "exercise", "low-fat", and "diet." Words designed to scare us into changing what has worked for so many years. Well, I say, let's stay the course. Remember, a fat Frank is a happy Frank.
Leah: What? That's not what I wrote.
Mayor Phlegmming: I propose something that every organism in this city will enjoy. I give you a dream vacation to the annual chicken wing festival in Buffalo, New York. Final plans have been made and nothing is going to stand in our way!

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Shane Detorre: [As Frank is about to eat the egg that fell on the ground] Dad! That's filthy!
Frank Detorre: Honey, ten-second rule. Hits the ground, you pick it up within ten seconds, you can eat it. [Bites into the egg] Mmmm.
Shane: Ugh!

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Murray: We can't give up now. Washington didn't give up. Lincoln didn't...
Kate: Please!
Murray: What's wrong?
Kate: Don't mention Lincoln. Something terrible happened to me once on Lincoln's birthday.

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Bad Guys - S10-E16

Daniel Jackson: How goes it on your end?
Cameron Mitchell: [To Vala] How goes it on our end?
Vala Mal Doran: I think I have it. Maybe.
Mitchell: Vala.
Vala: There's a 70% chance that if we dial manually, we'll be able to establish a connection, and a 50% chance the bomb will just go off.
Mitchell: That's 120%.
Vala: Well, there's some crossover where we establish a wormhole and it blows up.
Mitchell: Jackson, did you catch any of that?
Jackson: Yeah. 100% chance we should have brought someone who knows what they're doing. Yeah, I head. Daniel out.

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Crusade - S9-E19

Lt. Col. Mitchell: All right, hold the phone. And I and I ask this not 100% sure that I want to know the answer. Whose baby is it?
Vala Mal Doran: That's the thing. I don't know.
Lt. Col. Carter: As in...?
Vala: I swear, I did none of the necessary bits. Between my arrival in the Ori galaxy and my wedding night, which was definitely after I knew for sure, there is no way humanly possible that I know of that I could've gotten pregnant. [Long pause] Someone going to say something? Anybody?
Teal'c: You have been impregnated without copulation?
Vala: Yes, and I'm absolutely terrified. Have any of you ever heard of anything like it?
[Mitchell and Carter look at each other]
Mitchell: Well...There's one.
Teal'c: Darth Vader.
Vala: Really? How did that turn out?
Mitchell: Actually, I was thinking of King Arthur.
Carter: You were?

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Citizen Joe - S8-E15

Daniel Jackson: Wait a minute. Jack, you've been seeing parts of life of a barber in Indiana for seven years and you never mentioned it?
Jack O'Neill: Yeah. Sure I did. I know I did.
Samantha Carter: No. No, you didn't, sir.
Jack O'Neill: I didn't?
Daniel Jackson: You didn't find it the least bit odd?
Jack O'Neill: Actually, no. I found it quite...relaxing.

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The Other Guys - S6-E8

Her'ak: No matter what you have endured, you have never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.
Colonel O'Neill: You ended that sentence with a preposition. Bastard!

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Redemption (1) - S6-E1

General Hammond: Ah, Jack! Come in. Colonel, you know Colonel Chekov, the Russian envoy to the SGC.
Colonel O'Neill: We've met.
Hammond: Colonel Chekov feels that as a symbol of our joint efforts, a Russian officer should be assigned to join SG-1.
O'Neill: Over my rotting corpse, sir.
Hammond: Colonel?
O'Neill: I'm sorry. Did I say that out loud?
Hammond: I said I would discuss it with you and that I was sure you would give it some careful thought.
O'Neill: And that I will, General, but I'm pretty sure I'll say "bite me."
Hammond: Colonel, would you excuse us?
Chekov: General. [Walks out the room]
O'Neill: [To Chekov] So sorry.

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Revelations - S5-E22

Heimdall: As a race, the Asgard reproduce exclusively through a process of enhanced cellular mitosis.
Samantha Carter: Are you serious? You have no other means of propagation?
Heimdall: No.
Jack O'Neill: Carter?
Carter: They're clones, sir. All of them.
O'Neill: Ah. Well, that answers a few questions.
Heimdall: In fact, for nearly a thousand years we have been physically incapable of achieving cell division through meiosis.
O'Neill: [Confused, looks at Carter] Hmm?
Carter: [Whispering] Sexual reproduction, sir.
O'Neill: Ah. [To Heimdall] A thousand years?
Heimdall: It is usually not something we discuss with other races.
O'Neill: This I understand.

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Wormhole X-Treme! - S5-E12

Peter DeLuise: You realise this is not a real show, right?
Michael DeLuise: What are you talking about? You're saying the "Wormhole Extreme" is not a real show? We did all this...all this is-
Peter DeLuise: Yeah, it's not a real show. It's a fake show.
Michael DeLuise: Does my agent know about this?
Peter DeLuise: [As the Director] You're heroic... and just look over here at this eye line over there.
Michael DeLuise: This isn't a real show?
Peter DeLuise: No. It's not a real show.
Michael DeLuise: If it's not a real show, then why are you telling me what to do? How could this not be a real show if we're doing it right now? Am I getting paid real money?
Peter DeLuise: Yeah, you're getting paid real money.
Michael DeLuise: Well...I... Whoa. So, what plane of reality are we on right now?

Bishop73

Wormhole X-Treme! - S5-E12

Christian Bocher: I'm Christian Bocher. I'm portraying the character of Raymond Gunne, who portrays the character of Dr. Levant, which is based on the character Daniel Jackson portrayed by the actor Michael Shanks, originally portrayed by the actor James Spader in the feature film.

Bishop73

Wormhole X-Treme! - S5-E12

Yolanda Reese: [Speaking to the Director and Martin] Guys.
Martin: Ah, miss Reese.
Reese: Uh, I'm having a little trouble with scene 27. It says that I'm out of phase, which means that I can pass my hand through solid matter, or I can walk through walls.
Director: Yeah, yeah. 'Cause you're "out of phase."
Martin: Um, exactly.
Reese: So...how come I don't fall through the floor?
[Martin and the Director stare at Reese, then each other, then back at Reese].
Martin: We're gonna have to get back to you on that one.

Bishop73

Desperate Measures - S5-E11

Homeless Man: You a cop?
Colonel O'Neill: Air Force. Colonel Jack O'Neill.
Homeless Man: I was in 'Nam.
Colonel O'Neill: Yeah? What company?
Homeless Man: Vacation. A long time ago.

Bishop73

Chain Reaction - S4-E15

Senator Kinsey: I read the mission reports that come out of that mountain. You play with the fate of this planet on a daily basis.
Colonel O'Neill: I'm doing the job I was asked to do. I doubt very much your constituents could say the same about you.
Senator Kinsey: Oh, please. Given the chance, half of all American citizens won't even vote and the half that do vote are too stupid to know what they're doing.
Colonel O'Neill: Which explains how you got elected.

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Watergate - S4-E7

Major Carter: How do you know about the SGC?
Dr. Markov: I have read extensive files on all of you.
Colonel O'Neill: The question was how?
Dr. Markov: I learned to read English at the age of 6. It was not difficult.
Colonel O'Neill: Russian humor.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk is the Best Man - S8-E13

Randy Disher: I think somebody's trying to scare you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, but why? I mean, it doesn't track. If the guy wants a piece of me, if he wants to hurt me, why doesn't he come at me? What's all this cat and mouse crap?
Disher: So who's on your short list?
Stottlemeyer: I've been at this all morning. Most of these guys are either in jail or dead.
Disher: Or both.
Stottlemeyer: No. Nobody is both.

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Mr. Monk and the Dog - S8-E11

Monk: Your aunt Natalie's out front, so she'll probably give you a ride home.
Anne Marie: You said $5.
Monk: Right. Oh, do you have change for a $100?
Anne Marie: Yes.
Monk: Really? Then you won't need my five.

Bishop73

Conner - S2-E6

Conner: Krypto...I have a feeling we're in Kansas.

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Mr. Monk On Wheels - S7-E11

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look at that. See that? That's a bullet. That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight.
Randy Disher: That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: A former what?
Randy: A former cop shooter.
Vince: You mean he use to shoot cops?
Randy: No he shot someone who use to be a cop.
Vince: Why didn't you say that?

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