22nd May 2023
Knight Rider [Pilot; a.k.a. Knight of the Phoenix] (1) - S1-E1
KITT: There's no reason for increased volume. I am scanning your interrogatives quite satisfactorily. I am the voice of Knight Industry 2000's microprocessor. K-I-T-T for easy reference. "KITT", if you prefer.
22nd May 2023
Knight Rider [Pilot; a.k.a. Knight of the Phoenix] (1) - S1-E1
Devon Miles: Welcome aboard the Knight 2000.
Michael Long: Thank you. What's all this? It looks like Darth Vader's bathroom.
Devon: It's a one-of-a-kind car, Mr. Long. It is the fastest, safest, strongest car in the world. It is also completely fuel-efficient and it is operated entirely by microprocessors, which make it it virtually impossible for it to be involved in any mishap or collision. Unless, of course, specifically so ordered by the pilot.
Michael: Pilot? Don't tell me this thing flies.
Devon: No, but it thinks.
Michael: It thinks? My car thinks?
Devon: We like to think of it as our car.
22nd May 2023
The Gang Makes Paddy's Great Again - S13-E1
Cindy: Is that a sex doll?
Mac: Yeah.
Dee: Is that Dennis?
Mac: Well, yeah, of course.
Frank: Is that part of the plan?
Cindy: No! Why did you get a sex doll of your old roommate?
Mac: Because you told me to get one.
Cindy: I definitely did not.
Mac: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was. I was super sad about my old roommate leaving, and. And you said I needed something Dennis-shaped to fill my hole.
Cindy: No, Mac, I said that you obviously had a Dennis-shaped hole in your life that you needed to fill.
Mac: How is that not the same thing?
22nd May 2023
Dennis Reynolds: What are we going to do? We can't have Pete wandering the streets. I don't want him near me. We gotta get him sent somewhere. Ohh, what about that nut, uh, nuthouse in Westchester?
Dee Reynolds: Ah, it says that's one's been shut down too.
Dennis: Oh, come on! I pay so much money in taxes already. Where's that going?
Dee: Well, they used that money to open up the Eagles' new practice facility.
Dennis: That makes sense. That's kind of a no-brainer. I mean, you can't have our guys out there twisting ankles.
22nd May 2023
Dee Reynolds: Oh, my God, Dennis, listen to this. Reed Medical Institution was shut down because of statewide cutbacks. Oh, so they just cut all the loonies loose?
Dennis Reynolds: What? How could they do that? That's, that's insane!
Dee: I guess it was either that or they raise our taxes.
Dennis: What!?! Raise my taxes!?! Come on! How much do these vultures need? I already pay a ton in taxes.
Dee: Well, then I guess they're gonna have to shut down more of these places.
Dennis: What!?! Shut down more of these...we gotta have someplace to send our lunatics!
Dee: Well, then, we're going to have to pay more in taxes.
Dennis: What!?! I'm not paying more in taxes, Dee!
22nd May 2023
Dee Reynolds: It's my turn. It's my time, it's Dee's time. I even have my own system. The DEE System. Do them. Establish low rating. Increase power.
Dennis Reynolds: Increase is spelled with an "i."
Dee: OK, well, then uhhh... Infuriate them when they find out...
Dennis: Another "i."
22nd May 2023
Charlie's Mom Has Cancer - S8-E6
Dee Reynolds: Tell you what. Property taxes...paying for what you already own? Now, that's a scam.
22nd May 2023
Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire - S3-E8
Frank Reynolds: I think what we gotta do is find one sick guy and do a story about a new pandemic.
Charlie Kelly: No one cares about those kinda things, Frank.
22nd May 2023
Trevor Slattery: [Speaking about Morris the creature] He wants you to take him home.
Shang-Chi: Believe me, buddy, I would if I knew how. According to my dad, the path there only opens once a year.
Trevor: Morris says he can guide you there right now. You can get through the maze without waiting for the path to open. But, and it's a big "but", it's very dangerous.
Katy Chen: How dangerous?
Trevor: No one's ever made it out alive. But Morris is 90% confident he can guide us through safely. [Morris squeals] Oh! [chuckling] 19%, ha.
22nd May 2023
H.G. Wells: You mentioned your husband before.
Amy Robbins: My ex, yeah. I was married for a while, when I was very young. We met during an anti-war demonstration.
Wells: Ah, the Second World War?
Amy: Are you kidding? How old do you think I am?
Wells: Oh, I'm sorry, the Third World War?
22nd May 2023
Conner: So, Gar, what can you do?
Gar: It's, it's no big deal.
Conner: Come on. Can you show me?
Gar: Now's not the best time.
Conner: Well, can you tell me?
Gar: Yeah, yeah. It's kind of weird, but I can turn into a tiger.
Conner: [Laughing] No way!
Gar: Yeah.
Conner: [Long pause] What's a tiger?
22nd May 2023
22nd May 2023
Chandler Jarrell: That is a cool trick. Did you ever think about going into show business? Because you could...I could be your partner, I could throw a rock at you, you make it float off, hit the wall. Standing ovations all over the place. You ever hear of Ed McMahon's "Star Search"? Do they have "Star Search" in Tibet? Probably not. They probably have "Food Search." But you know what we could do? We could all go on "Star Search", right? And we give the audience rocks and let them throw them at you and then you can move your hand, make them all hit Ed McMahon...hard!
22nd May 2023
Chandler Jarrell: Hey, wait a second. You took a hundred. You took the hundred. No, that, no see, one dollar. See, one dollar is for you. See this George Washington? That's Benjamin Franklin. That's not happening. You got the wrong money.
The Old Man: Ahh...ahh...
Chandler: Can I have my money back? You gave me the wrong necklace too.
The Old Man: You're breaking my heart, asswipe.
Chandler: Oh, you speak English just fine.
The Old Man: So do you. So what of it?
Chandler: Hey, listen man. Give my hundred back, take this dollar and take this, and give me the right one.
The Old Man: Monkey breath, puke face, eater of turtle slime.
22nd May 2023
Chandler Jarrell: Hey, bird! Did you just see a little Hare Krishna midget in the tree floating...or it me? [Telephone rings.] Must be Rod Sterling.
22nd May 2023
22nd May 2023
Wayne: I did a project on Sweden in the 8th grade.
Bjergen Kjargen: Well, I am impressed with you quest for knowledge. Educated men are rare.
Wayne: It was really hard. I stayed up all night working on it. Then the next day in gym class, I was on the minitramp, and I got diarrhea. [Long pause] I really wish I hadn't told you that.
22nd May 2023
Osmosis Jones: You're gonna have to talk to my new partner, if he feels like hangin' around a little while.
Drix: But my work visa's expired.
Osmosis Jones: Well, we'll go down to the hemorrhoid and get you a good lawyer.
22nd May 2023
Officer on radio: Suspect is heading towards the uvula. Repeat, heading towards the uvula.
Osmosis Jones: What the heck is a u-vala?
Drix: It's that little dangly thing that hangs down in Frank's...
Osmosis Jones: Boxer shorts! OK, here we go!
Drix: Not that little dangly thing! The one in his throat!
Osmosis Jones: I knew that, I knew that.
22nd May 2023
Mayor Phlegmming: Good evening, citizens of Frank. In the past few weeks of the campaign, my opponent has thrown around a lot of fancy words to try to confuse the issues. Words like "exercise", "low-fat", and "diet." Words designed to scare us into changing what has worked for so many years. Well, I say, let's stay the course. Remember, a fat Frank is a happy Frank.
Leah: What? That's not what I wrote.
Mayor Phlegmming: I propose something that every organism in this city will enjoy. I give you a dream vacation to the annual chicken wing festival in Buffalo, New York. Final plans have been made and nothing is going to stand in our way!
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