The Hangover (2009) - 47 quotes

Phil Wenneck: [using the loudspeaker on a police car] Ma'am, in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack. [To himself] I should have been a fucking cop.

Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here.

Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?

Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.

Phil Wenneck: Whose fucking baby is that?

Stu Price: Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?

Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.

Stu Price: Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!

Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.

Alan Garner: Thank you.

Doug Billings: He was a bartender, and he didn't even come inside her

Stu Price: That's a good thing, she's afraid of semen.

Sid Garner: Now remember, what happens in Vegas stays, in Vegas. Except herpes, that shit will come back with you.

Stu Price: Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!

Alan Garner: That's highly unlikely.

Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus.

Alan Garner: I have a question. You probably get this a lot, but this isn't the real Caesar's Palace, is it?

Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?

Alan Garner: Yes.

Mr. Chow: It's funny because he's fat!

Alan Garner: No, it's a satchel... Indiana Jones has one.

Alan Garner: Hey what's that on your arm?

Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.

Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was.

Alan Garner: Are you okay?

Alan Garner: It would be so cool if I could breast-feed.

Mr. Chow: So long, gay boys!

Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.

Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.

Stu Price: Oh my God, I can't believe I gave away my grandmother's Holocaust ring to a complete stranger.

Alan Garner: I didn't even know they gave out rings during the Holocaust.

Stu Price: You do know counting cards is illegal, right?

Alan Garner: Counting cards isn't illegal. It's frowned upon... like masturbating on an airplane.

Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.

Alan Garner: Maybe since 9/11 when everyone got so damn sensitive. Thanks a lot Bin Laden!

Alan Garner: We're a wolf pack of four, wandering the desert, searching for strippers and cocaine.