Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here.
Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... Or a Chuck E. Cheese.
Phil Wenneck: You're not really wearing that are you?
Alan Garner: Wearing what?
Phil Wenneck: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you just fuckin' with me?
Alan Garner: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.
Phil Wenneck: [using the loudspeaker on a police car.] Ma'am, in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack. [To himself.] I should have been a fucking cop.
Stu Price: You do know counting cards is illegal, right?
Alan Garner: Counting cards isn't illegal. It's frowned upon... Like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Maybe since 9/11 when everyone got so damn sensitive. Thanks a lot Bin Laden!
Stu Price: I lost a tooth! I married a whore!
Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan Garner: Thank you.
Stu Price: They're really a lot more mature than you think.
Phil Wenneck: Paging Doctor Faggot! Paging Doctor Faggot!
Melissa: You should probably go, Doctor Faggot.
Phil Wenneck: Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.
Alan Garner: Tigers love pepper... They hate cinnamon.
Phil Wenneck: Tracy, it's Phil.
Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys?
Phil Wenneck: Listen, we fucked up. We lost Doug.
Tracy Garner: What? We're getting married in five hours!
Phil Wenneck: Yeah... That's not gonna happen.
Phil Wenneck: We'll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: Phil, we're not gonna leave the baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: Best little chapel, you know where that is?
Doctor: I do. It's at the corner of get a map and fuck off.
Mr. Chow: You gonna fuck on me?
Alan Garner: Nobody's gonna fuck on you! I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! Please! This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants.
Stu Price: This does not seem fair.
Phil Wenneck: It's rock-paper-scissors. There's nothin' more fair.
Officer Franklin: I see guys like you in here every fuckin' day.
Officer Garden: Every fuckin' day!
Officer Franklin: Yeah let's all go to Vegas and get really fucked up!
Officer Garden: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Officer Franklin: Let's go steal a cop car because it'd be real fuckin' funny!
Stu Price: You found the car?
Officer Franklin: Yeah! It was parked in the middle of Las Vegas Blvd. With a note that said "Couldn't find a meter, so here's $4."
Phil Wenneck: To a night the four of us will never forget!
Phil Wenneck: Who was that guy? He was so mean!
Stu Price: You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.
Alan Garner: I think he's mean.
Stu Price: We're in a stolen cop car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back. What part of this is cool?
Alan Garner: I think the cop car part's pretty cool.
Answer: His name is Chuck Pacheco and he's an actor/director. He played Chuckie in the movie Alpha Dog.