Harold: Are those my scissors? I trim my nose hair with those.

Kumar: Dude... I've been cutting my ass hair with these.

Kumar: How were Katie Holmes' tits?

Goldstein: You know the Holocaust?

Kumar: Yeah?

Goldstein: Picture the opposite of that!

Kumar: Nice!

Harold: I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat, like, 20 of those burgers, man.

Kumar: Dude, fuckin' I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.

Kumar: So she's kinda fucking cute. Let her touch your penis.

Harold: Oh, nice. 16 Candles is on, man.

Kumar: And the award for the least heterosexual statement ever made in this apartment goes to... Harold Lee! Come on down, man! Take a bow!

Harold: Shut up, man. It's a classic.

Dr. Patel: I have invested a lot of time and energy for you to go and fuck it all up!

Harold: Dude, we're so high right now!

Kumar: We're not low!

Kumar: Do you know what the hell we had to go through after you took the car?

Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, it was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for your meal. Prick.

Neil Patrick Harris: [looks down to count money] Here's 80 for the meal, and 200 for the car

Harold: What did you do to my car?

Neil Patrick Harris: I made some love stains in the back. You'll see...

Harold: Did Doogie Houser just steal my fucking car?