Danny: I haven't even told my father I'm not going to get that scholarship. I'm gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.

Ty Webb: What's wrong with lumber. I own two lumberyards.

Danny: I notice you don't spend too much time there.

Ty Webb: I'm not quite sure where they are.

Al Czervik: Hey doll, could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dogfood. I've had better food at the ball game, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.

Ty Webb: A flute without holes is not a flute. A doughnut without holes is a danish.

Danny Noonan: I gotta go to college.

Ty Webb: You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia.

Judge Smails: I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.

Sandy MacReedy: I want you to kill every gopher on the course.

Carl Spackler: Correct me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key.

Sandy MacReedy: Gophers! You great git! Not golfers! The little brown furry rodents!

Carl Spackler: We can do that. We don't even have to have a reason.

Carl Spackler: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald. striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga gunga - gunga galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consiousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

Al Czervik: Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.