Dark Helmet: What's wrong with you? Fire across her nose, not up it!

[The gunman turns around and is cross-eyed]

Gunman: Sorry, sir. I'm doing my best.

Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunman?

Cross-eyed gunman 2: I did, sir. He's my cousin.

Dark Helmet: Who is that?

Col. Sanders: He's an asshole, sir.

Dark Helmet: I know that, who is he?

Col. Sanders: That's his name, "Asshole". Major Asshole.

Dark Helmet: What about him?

Col. Sanders: He's an asshole too, sir.

Dark Helmet: How many assholes we got on this ship, anyhow?

Everyone on the ship: Yo, sir!

Dark Helmet: I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes.

Barf: I'm a Mog; half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend.

[The self destruction cancellation button is out of order.]

Dark Helmet: F**k! Even in the future nothing works!