Punk Receptionist: Would you like a free condom? They're boysenberry.
Juno MacGuff: No, thanks. I'm off sex right now.
Punk Receptionist: My boyfriend wears them every time we have intercourse, it makes his junk smell like pie.
Juno MacGuff: We don't even have a dog.
Bren MacGuff: Well that's because you're allergic to their saliva. I've made a lot of sacrifices for you, Juno, and in a few years, when you move out, I'm getting weimaraners.
Juno MacGuff: Woah, dream big.
Leah: Yo Yo Yiggady Yo.
Juno MacGuff: I'm pregnant.
Leah: What? Honest to blog? Are you sure it's not a food baby? Did you eat a big lunch?
Juno MacGuff: This is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.
Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests?
Juno MacGuff: T don't know, I drank like, ten gallons of Sunny D... I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly caviler.
Leah: Is this for real?
Juno MacGuff: Unfortunately, yes.
Leah: Oh my GOD. Shit! Phuket, Thailand!
Mac MacGuff: Whats that thing?
Vanessa Loring: It's a pilates machine.
Mac MacGuff: What do you make with it?
Vanessa Loring: Oh you don't make anything with it, its for exercise.
Rollo: That ain't no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet.
Juno MacGuff: You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.
Juno MacGuff: Wow your shorts are like especially gold today.
Paulie Bleeker: My mom uses color safe bleach.
Juno MacGuff: Go Carol.
Vanessa Loring: You think you're really going to do this?
Juno MacGuff: Yea, if I could just have the thing and give it to you now, I totally would. But I'm guessing it looks probably like a sea monkey right now and we should let it get a little cuter.
Vanessa Loring: That's great.
Mark Loring: Keep it in the oven.
Juno MacGuff: Yeah, I'm a legend. You know, they call me the cautionary whale.
Rollo: You better pay for that pee-stick when you're done with it. Don't think it's yours just because you marked it with your urine!
Juno MacGuff: I think I'm, like, in love with you.
Paulie Bleeker: You mean as friends?
Juno MacGuff: No, I mean, like, for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know...
Paulie Bleeker: I try really hard, actually.
Vanessa Loring: Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
Juno MacGuff: Nah... I mean, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?
Vanessa Loring: How do I look?
Bren MacGuff: Like a new mom. Scared shitless.
Mac MacGuff: You don't even remember to give Liberty Bell her breathing meds!
Juno MacGuff: That was one time! And she did not die if you recall.
Juno MacGuff: Yeah I came as soon as I got that ultrasound goo off my pelvis. It was crazy actually, my step-mom verbally abused the ultrasound tech and we got escorted off the premises.
Juno MacGuff: ...And the receptionist tried to give me these weird condoms that looked like grape suckers, and she told me about her boyfriend's pie balls and Su-Chin was there and she told me the baby had fingernails. Fingernails!
Leah: Oh, gruesome. I wonder if the baby's claws could scratch your vag on the way out?
Mac MacGuff: Thanks for having me and my irresponsible child over your house.
Mac MacGuff: Did you see that coming?
Bren MacGuff: Yeah... But I was hoping she was expelled, or into hard drugs.
Mac MacGuff: Or DWI... Anything but this.
Vanessa Loring: So... How are we going to do this?
Juno MacGuff: Uh, aren't I just gonna, ya know, squeeze it out and, hand it over to you?
Gerta Rauss: Mark and Vanessa are willing to negotiate an open adoption...
Mac MacGuff: What do you mean?
Juno MacGuff: Wait... No! I mean, can't we just, like, kick this old school? Like, I have the baby, put it in a basket and send it your way, like, Moses and the reeds?
Mark Loring: Technically, that would be kicking it Old Testament.
Gerta Rauss: ...So, we all agree that a closed adoption is the best decision for all involved?
Juno MacGuff: SSHHIT! YES! Close it up!
Juno MacGuff: I could so go for like a huge cookie right now, with like, a lamb kabob simultaneously.
Answer: Juno tells Vanessa that she's still willing to go through with the adoption if Vanessa is also willing ("If you're still in, I'm still in") - knowing that Vanessa will be a divorced single mom. She knows how much the baby means to Vanessa.
Super Grover ★